Dr. Seer was a brilliant psychologist. He retained a position as a visiting professor at one of the nation's most prestigious universities, serving in the capacity of adviser to scholars preparing their doctoral theses. Several of his papers had been so groundbreaking at the time he published them that he had quickly established himself as a cause célèbre meriting international repute.
He had won every award imaginable and garnered support for his theories from the most remote and diverse corners of the globe. He was much sought after to give lectures, and between these speaking engagements and his practice disposed of very little time. His area of expertise was Dream Sequence Analysis.
Now many of his colleagues agreed that no matter how eminent the man was as a psychologist, he was in more dire need of psychotherapy than the patients he treated. He was an insufferable megalomaniac and had so many quirks in his personality that he was an impossible boor. It was only because he was so obviously a genius and had so much to contribute that he was tolerable to any extent.
Among the innumerable idiosyncrasies that plagued him one of the more innocuous ones was that he had, throughout his adult life, refused to learn how to drive. As a result of this he had in his employ a chauffeur who traveled everywhere with him, doubling as his valet in the process. Dr. Seer was a corpulent man, balding at the front and with piercing black eyes. He constantly wore a melancholy expression on his face and no one, not even members of his immediate family, could ever recall seeing him smile. He was reclusive and absolutely forbade any photographs to be taken of him.
He was not married and although he had no such qualms about his intellectual capacity the good doctor was quite insecure about his appearance. Since he was not a very attractive physical specimen and never one to be outdone in any manner, one of his prerequisites was that his chauffeur be at least as ugly or preferably even less pleasing to the eye than he was.
Thus Ferdinand, the man who occupied this station, bore an uncanny resemblance to his employer. He was also quite portly, balding at the front with black eyes and had through months of rigorous exercises, trained his muscles to imitate the doctor's facial expressions to the extent that he could prevent a grin in even the most humorous of circumstances. They dressed alike at Dr. Seer's instructions. It was due to this striking similarity between Dr. Seer and his chauffeur that one of the most disgraceful intellectual deceptions in the pristine world of academia transpired.
It happened in the following manner. During one of his lecture tours across the more important capitals of Europe the doctor hatched his unorthodox and fraudulent scheme. The pair was in London and Dr. Seer did not feel like giving his lecture. He suggested to his chauffeur that he, instead of the doctor, give the lecture. His argument was that since Ferdinand had seen the lecture more than fifty times he could effortlessly give the same lecture word for word, even down to the inane jokes sprinkled here and there. He backed up this idea with the further argument that the entire lecture was scripted and never varied as he was a very meticulous man. It was always the same from start to finish.
This Ferdinand could attest to as by now he knew the speech backwards and forwards. He had upon more than one occasion thought that should he have to sit through that same speech one more time he could quite cheerfully blow the good doctor's brains out without a twinge of remorse. In fact, he had once politely suggested that he stay behind at the hotel instead of attending the speech, but the doctor would have none of it, being quite recalcitrant to change anything in his routine.
Ferdinand was not a malevolent creature by nature, but he did have a latent criminal streak that ran through him dating back to his formative years when he had burned his sister's Barbie Doll at the stake and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Dr. Seer had since analyzed this unfortunate incident and theorized that Ferdinand's deep rooted psychological motivation for igniting the conflagration was an unexplainable insatiable need to incinerate an ersatz sister effigy, the Barbie at the time providing a handy substitute to the torching of his actual sibling.
Ferdinand was also pragmatic and while the thought of deceiving a large group of learned scholars appealed to his mischievous instincts, the added incentive of retaining his lucrative employ, ( a thinly veiled threat from Dr. Seer hinted that this might not be the case should he decline the proposal) prompted him to accept the idea with alacrity.
It was because of this pact that the following morning at Oxford began with Ferdinand at the podium in front of one of the largest groups of learned minds that the western world and this century together have produced. At the very same moment Dr. Seer sat in the back, relaxing and enjoying immensely his chauffeur's initial discomfort. Despite a trivial setback at the beginning, due mainly to nervousness, Ferdinand had delivered and the lecture was a resounding success. He had parroted Dr. Seer's words down to the last syllable and there was ten minutes of uninterrupted applause at the end of the two hour oration.
Then a horrible thing happened. As the applause died down and Ferdinand stood basking in the respectful adulation reserved for intellectual greatness in our culture, a noted historian and archaeologist asked a very complicated question. It called for an in depth analysis and comparison of Dr. Seer's theories of Dream Sequence Analysis vis-a-vis the drawings left behind by various ancient civilizations. The icy grip of fear enveloped Ferdinand.
Up until that moment the charade had worked perfectly. The machinations of his duplicity had taken everyone in, but now he was being called upon to interpret and formulate a response which even the real doctor would be hard pressed to deliver. He began to sweat profusely and the sweat rolled down his forehead and into his eyes. A knot balled up in his stomach and his whole body began to tremble. His throat constricted and time lost all meaning as his empty gaze traveled over the sea of faces staring back at him in eager anticipation. As his glassy-eyed stare continued to travel over the audience his vision became fuzzy and those same faces melted together into a mirage resembling an immense pack of wild dogs howling and tearing at his mutilated carcass. A deathly silence reigned over the auditorium.
Then, after what seemed an eternal pause, Ferdinand once again rose to the occasion and gave the ultimate Machiavellian response. It was a response which to this day, when he and Dr. Seer talk about it, is the only thing which causes them to break into a smile, a feat never duplicated by any other circumstance.
He answered in the following manner. "Since I am running late I will not hold a question and answer period. Nevertheless, one has been asked so I will answer it. I feel I must say however, in deference to the rest of my learned colleagues here, that that my dear sir, is such a basic, nay, such an asinine question that even my chauffeur can answer it. Chauffeur, please come up here and answer that inane question. Today you will answer the question and I will drive you back to the hotel."
Whereupon Dr. Seer, clearly outfoxed by Ferdinand, had obediently traded places with his chauffeur, answered the question satisfactorily and taken his leave from the university with Ferdinand stoically behind the wheel of the Rolls Royce, once again performing his rightful duty.
He had won every award imaginable and garnered support for his theories from the most remote and diverse corners of the globe. He was much sought after to give lectures, and between these speaking engagements and his practice disposed of very little time. His area of expertise was Dream Sequence Analysis.
Now many of his colleagues agreed that no matter how eminent the man was as a psychologist, he was in more dire need of psychotherapy than the patients he treated. He was an insufferable megalomaniac and had so many quirks in his personality that he was an impossible boor. It was only because he was so obviously a genius and had so much to contribute that he was tolerable to any extent.
Among the innumerable idiosyncrasies that plagued him one of the more innocuous ones was that he had, throughout his adult life, refused to learn how to drive. As a result of this he had in his employ a chauffeur who traveled everywhere with him, doubling as his valet in the process. Dr. Seer was a corpulent man, balding at the front and with piercing black eyes. He constantly wore a melancholy expression on his face and no one, not even members of his immediate family, could ever recall seeing him smile. He was reclusive and absolutely forbade any photographs to be taken of him.
He was not married and although he had no such qualms about his intellectual capacity the good doctor was quite insecure about his appearance. Since he was not a very attractive physical specimen and never one to be outdone in any manner, one of his prerequisites was that his chauffeur be at least as ugly or preferably even less pleasing to the eye than he was.
Thus Ferdinand, the man who occupied this station, bore an uncanny resemblance to his employer. He was also quite portly, balding at the front with black eyes and had through months of rigorous exercises, trained his muscles to imitate the doctor's facial expressions to the extent that he could prevent a grin in even the most humorous of circumstances. They dressed alike at Dr. Seer's instructions. It was due to this striking similarity between Dr. Seer and his chauffeur that one of the most disgraceful intellectual deceptions in the pristine world of academia transpired.
It happened in the following manner. During one of his lecture tours across the more important capitals of Europe the doctor hatched his unorthodox and fraudulent scheme. The pair was in London and Dr. Seer did not feel like giving his lecture. He suggested to his chauffeur that he, instead of the doctor, give the lecture. His argument was that since Ferdinand had seen the lecture more than fifty times he could effortlessly give the same lecture word for word, even down to the inane jokes sprinkled here and there. He backed up this idea with the further argument that the entire lecture was scripted and never varied as he was a very meticulous man. It was always the same from start to finish.
This Ferdinand could attest to as by now he knew the speech backwards and forwards. He had upon more than one occasion thought that should he have to sit through that same speech one more time he could quite cheerfully blow the good doctor's brains out without a twinge of remorse. In fact, he had once politely suggested that he stay behind at the hotel instead of attending the speech, but the doctor would have none of it, being quite recalcitrant to change anything in his routine.
Ferdinand was not a malevolent creature by nature, but he did have a latent criminal streak that ran through him dating back to his formative years when he had burned his sister's Barbie Doll at the stake and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Dr. Seer had since analyzed this unfortunate incident and theorized that Ferdinand's deep rooted psychological motivation for igniting the conflagration was an unexplainable insatiable need to incinerate an ersatz sister effigy, the Barbie at the time providing a handy substitute to the torching of his actual sibling.
Ferdinand was also pragmatic and while the thought of deceiving a large group of learned scholars appealed to his mischievous instincts, the added incentive of retaining his lucrative employ, ( a thinly veiled threat from Dr. Seer hinted that this might not be the case should he decline the proposal) prompted him to accept the idea with alacrity.
It was because of this pact that the following morning at Oxford began with Ferdinand at the podium in front of one of the largest groups of learned minds that the western world and this century together have produced. At the very same moment Dr. Seer sat in the back, relaxing and enjoying immensely his chauffeur's initial discomfort. Despite a trivial setback at the beginning, due mainly to nervousness, Ferdinand had delivered and the lecture was a resounding success. He had parroted Dr. Seer's words down to the last syllable and there was ten minutes of uninterrupted applause at the end of the two hour oration.
Then a horrible thing happened. As the applause died down and Ferdinand stood basking in the respectful adulation reserved for intellectual greatness in our culture, a noted historian and archaeologist asked a very complicated question. It called for an in depth analysis and comparison of Dr. Seer's theories of Dream Sequence Analysis vis-a-vis the drawings left behind by various ancient civilizations. The icy grip of fear enveloped Ferdinand.
Up until that moment the charade had worked perfectly. The machinations of his duplicity had taken everyone in, but now he was being called upon to interpret and formulate a response which even the real doctor would be hard pressed to deliver. He began to sweat profusely and the sweat rolled down his forehead and into his eyes. A knot balled up in his stomach and his whole body began to tremble. His throat constricted and time lost all meaning as his empty gaze traveled over the sea of faces staring back at him in eager anticipation. As his glassy-eyed stare continued to travel over the audience his vision became fuzzy and those same faces melted together into a mirage resembling an immense pack of wild dogs howling and tearing at his mutilated carcass. A deathly silence reigned over the auditorium.
Then, after what seemed an eternal pause, Ferdinand once again rose to the occasion and gave the ultimate Machiavellian response. It was a response which to this day, when he and Dr. Seer talk about it, is the only thing which causes them to break into a smile, a feat never duplicated by any other circumstance.
He answered in the following manner. "Since I am running late I will not hold a question and answer period. Nevertheless, one has been asked so I will answer it. I feel I must say however, in deference to the rest of my learned colleagues here, that that my dear sir, is such a basic, nay, such an asinine question that even my chauffeur can answer it. Chauffeur, please come up here and answer that inane question. Today you will answer the question and I will drive you back to the hotel."
Whereupon Dr. Seer, clearly outfoxed by Ferdinand, had obediently traded places with his chauffeur, answered the question satisfactorily and taken his leave from the university with Ferdinand stoically behind the wheel of the Rolls Royce, once again performing his rightful duty.
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